


And The Stars Said Goodnight (And I Did Too)

by sadtunes



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: AOS Angst War 2020, Angst, Badly, Daisy is just really really sad, Gen, Implied Character Death, Skye | Daisy Johnson Feels, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:34:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27454321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadtunes/pseuds/sadtunes
Summary: Daisy smiles. She pulls on a smile she hasn’t used in a while. The smile she’s used on the social workers when they ask her how’s she doing, if the family is good to her; the smile they want her to give so they can leave, so they can claim they left her in good hands, so they can sleep at night pretending they didn’t condemn an eight year old girl to six more months of trauma and pain.She uses this smile on May and it’s bright and cheery and it even reaches her eyes because that’s a skill she’s long since learned to master.
Relationships: Skye | Daisy Johnson & Agents of SHIELD Team (kind of), Skye | Daisy Johnson/Daniel Sousa (briefly)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 61
Collections: Angst War 2020





	And The Stars Said Goodnight (And I Did Too)

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Implied Suicide but like, very implied nothing graphic
> 
> TW Implied Self Harm but that's even more implied than the suicide, it's not detailed in any way, shape, or form.

_ Every yearly check in they ask her, ‘How are you?’. _

_ Every yearly check in she says, ‘I’m doing good’ _

_ And she smiles. _

_ And they believe her. _

  
  


“So, Daisy, what’s it like being an Astral Ambassador.” May teases, and everyone around grins as they turn towards her, waiting for an answer.

Daisy groans dramatically, head tilting backwards even as a grin of her own forms on her face. “May, I told you about that in confidence!” 

May shrugs with an innocent look on her face, but is given away by the slight tug of a smirk on the corner of her lips.

The meeting wraps up not long after that, everyone saying their reluctant goodbyes and slowly dispersing from the room. This time, when Daisy stays a moment too long after, she’s not alone. May is still there, gazing at Daisy with an intensity she doesn’t quite understand. Daisy cocks her head in question but May simply raises a brow.

Daisy, getting uneasy at the silence, talks first. “What’s up?”

She wants to throw in the ‘awkward fingers guns’, like the bisexual disaster she is, but she doesn’t think May would appreciate the gesture.

“Are you happy?” 

Daisy smiles, confused, but smiles nonetheless. “Of course I am!” She pulls on a smile she hasn’t used in a while. The smile she’s used on the social workers when they ask her how’s she doing, if the family is good to her; the smile they want her to give so they can leave, so they can claim they left her in good hands, so they can sleep at night pretending they didn’t condemn an eight year old girl to six more months of trauma and pain.

She uses this smile on May and it’s bright and cheery and it even reaches her eyes because that’s a skill she’s long since learned to master.

May sees right through her.

“Daisy.” 

The smile slowly slips off her face and Daisy is tired of being sad and tired of being lonely so instead she glares at May and digs her fingers into the palm of her hand as if the pain can distract her from the emotions simmering beneath her skin.

“What, you see me once a year and think you suddenly know how I feel now?” and Daisy doesn’t wait for an answer as she blips out of the simulation and back into the abyss of space. She storms into her bunk, and not even Daniel tries to get in her way as she locks herself in.

She stays angry for about five more minutes after she enters the room. Then- then the tears are rolling down her face and there is a storm of emotions pouring out her chest and she’s  _ crying _ . She’s crying something she’s never cried before and there is no consolation, no hand she can hold, no apology she can give,  _ nothing; _ because everyone she’s ever loved is halfway across the universe and they talk once a year and she’s never going to get to hug them again.

Daniel comes in after a while- saves her from her own self pity and whispers sweet nothings into her ear as he rocks them gently back and forth until her sobs calm down. Daisy clings to him like a lifeline and tries not to imagine a different set of hands tethering her to the present as she shouts out in her mind- trying to drown out all the other thoughts because-  _ this is what she wants, this is what she wants, she wants this, she does she does she does she- _

  
  
  


“So, Daisy. How’s Daniel, you guys are still going good?” Simmons turns the conversation towards her, after a moment of still silence from the once boisterous team, filling up the void of quiet as if it had never been there.

Daisy thinks of Daniel, most likely reading a book, catching up on the 20th century as he waits for her to finish up. He’s a calm, steady presence, never wavering in his trust and love for her. Their relationship is strong, they never fight, they never argue, they never go to bed without an ‘I love you’.

“Yeah,” She says. “We’re good.” And the beaming smile Jemma and Fitz send her is almost worth the lie.

  
  
  


Daisy breaks up with Daniel the day he proposes to her.

She stares at the ring in his hand and his heart in the other and she wants to say yes, the words are on her tongue but she can feel the tears cascading down her cheeks and Daniel’s hopeful smile that turns to dust as he realizes they’re not tears of happiness.

She wants to say yes but her heart is beating out of her chest for someone who she will never have and Daniel’s smile doesn’t make her beam like she pretends it does and her mind is screaming, screaming at her because- _ she doesn’t want this, she doesn't want this, she doesn’t want this, she doesn’t she doesn’t she doesn’t she- _

And it’s the pure look of despair that she can’t hide behind a smile or a laugh or even a stoic facade- it’s the desperation on her face that May can always see through and everyone tries to ignore because they want to pretend that she really  _ is  _ happy- it’s the sadness that bleeds from her heart into her eyes that has him snapping shut the case and standing up, nearly tripping over his wooden leg in his haste to right himself.

It’s the tears on her face and the hesitation in her words and the anguish in her eyes that has him hugging her tightly before going to nurse his broken heart and the act scatters away the shattered pieces of her own because  _ why can’t she love him. _

As it is- time goes on. As it always has.

Space is empty, Daisy comes to realize. They haven’t explored much, there are new sights and different species that she gets to meet everyday, another galaxy to discover, another realm sometimes too- and yet every day is the same.

It’s almost as empty as the space between her heart where her team was supposed to have been. 

Daisy sits in her bunk, a hollow feeling settling in her bones. Daniel doesn’t come to comfort her anymore. She doesn’t blame him. She knows what it’s like to love, and not be loved in return. It’s crying in the dark of a room at night, tears muffled by the pillow you use to smother your face. It’s curled over on your side as the sobs tear out your body, a pain so deep it transcends into the physical- you’re left wondering why a heartbreak feels like shards of glass in your skin, in your blood, in your veins, in your throat and you  _ can’t breathe because why can’t you be loved, why can’t you be loved, why can’t you be loved, why why why why why- _

  
  


Daisy tries to stop loving these days. Her relationship with Kora drifts away, slowly, steadily, silently; and when Daisy hears badly contained sobs filtering through the walls she takes that pillow to cover her ears and hide her own because  _ it’s better this way. _

  
  


Five years have passed, five meetings with people she pretends that she still knows, five minutes of fake smiles that she wishes would be discovered, and five years worth of pain and struggling and fear (and blood and tears and scars). And no one says a word. She thinks maybe they see right through her at times, when an extra crinkle forms in Coulson’s brow ,a moment where May’s smile flashes back to what it used to be (cold and lifeless and full of nothing  _ nothing nothing-) _ , Jemma asks her if she’s okay and there’s a downward tilt to her lips, Fitz’s gaze turns upwards as if it hurts to look into her eyes, as if he can’t bare to see the sorrow reflected in his own.

She thinks maybe they see right through her, maybe she sees right through them as well, and she shakes the thought so violently from her head because it hurts more than any of the wounds inflicted upon her skin. (She thinks maybe it hurts more than the list of bodies that trail in her wake and maybe that hurts even more because now there’s  _ guilt guilt guilt and- Hive- Lincoln- Coulson- May oh god May she almost-) _ .

No one says a thing and Daisy keeps drifting. Daisy keeps drifting and the wind and the water carry her along and sometimes she wishes that the waves would drown her- it wouldn’t make a difference because the wind is a tornado and it's tearing up the pieces of her that weren’t already gone.

Daisy stares into the ceiling, her eyes open and unseeing- the room too dark to make out anything but the shadows of her mind come to life. She blinks her eyes, once, twice, a never ending river of tears rolling down. She whispers a sad goodbye and lets the words get lost in the silence as she closes them with finality.

She doesn’t open them again.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
